That logo music just
gets you pumped, right?
I'm sorry, I'm just excited to be here.
It's been a while.
For a long time, I wasn't sure I'd ever be back.
Disney bought Fox, there was a whole
boring rights issue,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But then, it turned out they wanted me,
the one guy who shouldn't even have his own movie.
Much less a franchise.
Marvel is so stupid!
Look, we know the title of this thing, so
I know what you're wondering.
How are we going to do this without
dishonoring Logan's memory?
And I'll tell you how.
We're not.
Holy.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
Wolverine is not dead.
Sure, it made for a perfect ending to a very sad story,
but that's not how regenerative healing factors work.
You think I want to be out here in
beautiful downtown North Dakota,
digging up the one and only Wolverine?
No, thank you.
But the fate of my entire world is at stake.
He may not be living his best life, but
he sure as hell ain't dead.
Bingo.
Yahtzee.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Damn it!
Son of a bitch!
Fuck! Motherfucker!
My world is fucked!
That was weird.
I'm much calmer now.
Look, I'm not a man of science,
but you seem incredibly passed away.
But it's good to see ya.
I gotta be honest, I've always wanted to
ride with you, Log'.
You and me getting into a Deadpool and a Wolverine.
Just fucking shit up.
Can you imagine the fun, the chaos, the residuals?
G'day mate!
There's nothing that'll bring me back to
life faster than a big bag of Marvel cash.
Me too, Hugh.
No, no, no, no.
Ugh, he had to get all noble and die for real.
God damn it!
I could really use your help right now.
Wait!
I'm warning you! I'm not alone!
Wade Winston Wilson!
You're under arrest by the Time Variance Authority.
With too many crimes for this, come out!
We're giving you the courtesy...
Death by day player.
Last chance!
Throw out your weapons and come out peacefully!
I'm not gonna give you my weapons!
But I promise not to use them.
There are 206 bones in the human body.
207 if I'm watching Gossip Girl.
Here we go, maximum effort.
I am soaking wet right now.
To be clear, I'm not proud of any of this.
The wanton violence, the whiff of necrophilia,
it isn't who I am, it isn't who I wanna be.
Who I wanna be?
Well, to help you understand that,
I gotta take you back.
My little joy ride I took through space and time,
to the day that changed everything.
I can't believe I'm finally here.
I've waited for this moment for so long.
Thank you, sir, for seeing me.
I firmly believe that my services could be of great use
to your organization.
Now, I know I was caught smash-turbating
in the lobby of Stark Tower.
Smash-turbating?
I'm sure you did that.
I'm sorry, what was that?
No, I'm sorry.
That's when you get those toy hulk hands, right?
And then you just, you look down and you just,
you brace yourself and you ravage the midsection.
I get it, okay, thank you. The picture's painted.
You get the gist.
What exactly brings you here today?
Well, okay, I care.
I know I turn everything into a joke,
but I care and I want to use that feeling
for something important.
I want to matter.
And to show my girl that I matter.
And, you know, I feel like I'm wasting
the good stuff here.
Is the man not going to be joining us?
The man?
Yeah, I should say this if he's going to.
As far as you can tell
right now, I'm the man.
The man is me.
I am the man in this circumstance.
And he doesn't do this kind of thing anymore.
- Cameos? - Meetings.
Entry-level meetings.
Entry-level?
Aren't you the chauffeur, maybe?
Common misconception,
I did begin my career as Mr. Stark's driver.
I quickly pivoted to the head of security.
The head of security?
The head of security, of course, yes, yes, yes, yes.
And while I am vetting your resume.
You seem to have left out whether or not
you had any experience as a member of a team.
Could you maybe add a little bit of perspective?
Oh, yes, of course.
I was Special Forces, but I was mainly,
I was team leader, founder, really, of X-Force.
Sadly, they all perished in action.
How exactly did that happen?
Well, the police say gravity, but just between us,
they didn't test well in the focus group.
Particularly Cable.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I can see this isn't going on.
Please stop writing.
I'm just, I want to be an Avenger.
I want to be an Avenger.
Why do you want to be an Avenger?
Look around you, I mean, they're the best of the best.
And what they do matters. I need to be an Avenger.
Sir, that girl is kind of had a bit of a shtick,
and if I don't, you know, turn things around
and do something with my gifts, I don't think it's going
to really work out for me, and I wouldn't blame her.
Avengers are a very unique group of superheroes
that stand for something more than just fighting
and wearing costumes.
I mean, people look up to us. Kids look up to us.
I'm sorry, us?
I wasn't aware that you were an Avenger.
Avengers adjacent, technically.
Oh, what's your superpower? Is it parallel parking?
I am so sorry. That was cruel.
I lash out when I'm nervous. It won't happen again.
- Let's cut to the chase. - Please.
You just said moments ago
that you wanted to be an Avenger
because you need it.
Yes, sir, I do.
But the Avengers don't do the job because they need it.
They do the job because people need them.
Do you see the distinction?
Yes, sir.
Please, Mr. Hogan, I don't want to spend
the rest of my life like an annoying one-trick pony.
All right.
Oh, my God. You're standing.
Yeah, now's the time that we stand.
Damn it.
The problem might be that
you're reaching a little too high.
Aim for the middle and you'll never miss.
I think you got a good heart. I believe what you're saying.
But not everybody's a world-saving type.
I'm not. I'm happy. Right?
I found my place.
Find your place.
All right. Get back out there.
We'll keep an eye on you. Good luck.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Fetch the car. I want to hit Shake Shack.
Rejection makes me hung-y.
No, no, no. Please.
No, no, no. Okay.
You know what they say?
When one door closes,
your locker at work opens.
Let's go sell some certified
pre-owned vehicles, motherf--
Technically, the carnival's not a minivan.
It's an MPV.
So how does the Kia compare to the Honda Odyssey?
The Odyssey? That's a great question.
It doesn't fucking suck.
You know, you can answer the question without swearing.
I'm sorry, Tammy. I don't have kids.
Not that I haven't dreamt of that.
You don't have a lot of vaginal sex.
- You'll get them next time, pal. - Yeah.
And look, you can always go back to super-heroing.
I mean, I know I'd like to see you back in the suit.
I don't keep it in my locker so that I can wear it.
I keep it in my locker in case we need to settle up again.
Hey, hey, hey. What is that doing in there?
I'm done.
And I'm fine with being done.
Look, is sales the best match?
Probably not.
Is this the life that I always imagined for myself?
Fuck no!
This is the right fit for me.
- Sugar Bear, it is. - Okay, Mr. Wilson.
I'm just saying, once a month, we could go on a little mission.
We're human beings. We crave purpose.
After all, we're Deadpool.
Please stop saying that. We're not Deadpool.
I'm not even Deadpool anymore.
Well, if we're gonna have a midlife crisis, go big.
A few years ago, a friend of mine got his nipples pierced
with a titanium chain that goes down and attaches to his Van Johnson.
Are you feeling "Grumplestiltskin" because it's your birthday?
What?
No.
Surprise!
Hey, you guys are lucky I'm not armed.
Get in here.
This was six years ago. You'd all be dead.
So then, he gets out of the cab, and you would not believe it.
I turn around, and what do I find?
- Airpods. - Airpods!
- Crazy stories. - Every time.
- Come on. - Every single time.
Make any sales today?
You know I didn't.
Did you sell any dreamcatchers on Etsy or whatever it is you do?
The rent is due in 3 days Wade,
... and I can't keep carrying you. - Relax.
I have the money. I sold some old blood
pressure medication I found lying around.
You're trying to kill me, motherfucker.
I'm not the one dousing everything in salt, motherfucker.
I pray every day that fire finds your
body and finishes the job
God didn't have the nuts to do.
That's hurtful. If you could hear the look on my face,
you'd smell how sad I am.
You watching me good?
Great British break-off.
Oh, God damn.
That show stood between me and suicide for ten years.
Those are my feelings.
On abortion, religious freedom, animal
rights, privacy rights, vaccines, free
market capitalism, global climate change.
No, no, no, no, no speaking lines Buck.
Hi, you, Kyo. Hi, Wade.
Nice, fake o'clock shadow.
It's a summer balayage from the French.
It's meant to mimic the natural
highlights of the sun.
It's a toupee. It's a hair system.
I love your hair system, Wade.
Thank you.
- Want to do some cocaine? - Hey, cocaine is
the one thing that
Feig said is off-limits.
- What about Bolivian watching? - They know
all the slang terms. They have a list.
- Even snowboarding? - Even disco dust.
- White girl interrupted? - Even Forrest Bump.
- Bugger Sugar. - I wouldn't...
...even try powdered gonuts.
Do you want to build a...
...snowman? - Yes, but I can't.
- Hold here. - Here?
- What happened? - That's the Fun part.
- Thanks for coming. - Yeah.
- How's work? - Oh, I got a promotion.
- No way. - Yeah.
It's mind-numbing middle
management, but I'm happy.
That's great.
- You seeing anyone? - How are you?
Um, yeah. Guy from work.
- Dermit. - Dermit?
- He's kind. - Good.
Likes to go hiking.
Hasn't gotten me shot yet.
Well... It's the early days.
How about you? You seeing anyone?
No, no, I live in a one-bedroom
apartment. Share bed with Blind Al.
- All right. - All right.
Happy birthday to you.
Okay, okay, okay.
Birthdays.
Every spin around the moon
is a new adventure indeed.
- Sun, dumbass! - Okay, round-earther!
- Where was I? - The Adventure of Life.
Right. It's been a challenging few years.
I haven't seen you guys in a while.
Been through a lot. Change of life.
- Menopause? - Bitch, are you improv-ing?
I'm sorry that you had to see that, Yukio.
But I'm happy.
You know, that's because of
each and every one of you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is how
proud I am, how grateful I am,
to be standing in a room with every
single person I love.
I'm the luckiest man alive.
- Make a wish, buddy. - 10-4, good buddy.
Going down.
- Wade Wilson? - Oh, yeah. Dancers.
Dopinder must have ordered you.
Are those supposed to be cop costumes?
Never mind. Take your clothes off, but leave the helmets.
And this isn't Pretty Woman, we're kissing...
What song do you guys normally dance to?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that supposed to be scary?
Pegging isn't new for me friend-o, but it is for Disney.
Look, I've never been a natural bottom.
So we're going to take things real slow,
and I want some crazy eye contact.
Not you, you.
I can't see your eyes through
the mask, but I can feel it.
We're going to move on down the hallway
so we can spare a cleanup on Isle Hassel.
How does everyone feel about this plan?
- I don't like you. - Yes.
Let's hold on to that attitude,
and we're going to do it angry.
Mr. Wilson.
You appear to have soiled yourself while unconscious.
I wasn't unconscious. Who are you?
I go by the name of Paradox, Mr. Paradox,
and you're sitting here at the TVA, the Time Variance Authority.
We're really a watchdog organization.
Except we're more lighthearted than that sounds,
with sort of throwback ironic twist.
And we're in charge of defending what's
known as the sacred timeline.
Holy fuck, that is a shit ton of exposition for a three-quel.
Is this because I used Cable's Time Machine
brought a couple of people back to life,
then I destroyed it.
That was a long time ago.
Yes, we're aware of your abuse of your timeline.
You were so abusive of it.
No, it has nothing to do with that. Walk with me.
I brought you here, Mr. Wilson, to tell
you that you're special.
In fact, you've been chosen for a higher purpose,
a purpose unclear even to me,
but one that could save the entire sacred timeline
from a possibly grisly fate sometime in the future,
which may very well need to be avenged.
This sacred timeline, I assume I'm going
to marvel at how cinematic it feels,
gratuitous cameos, indiscriminate use of variants, the whole package?
Oh, you tell me.
Cap...
You are no longer lost, Wade.
You can be a hero among heroes.
We've been surveilling you for quite a while.
The subway station.
A TVA outpost, yes.
And what is that?
Is that me? Is that Thor?
Is he crying?
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
That happens in the distant future.
Why is Thor crying?
Do not speak to her. Stop that.
I brought you here to offer you an opportunity,
the opportunity you sought years ago but
for which you were not ready.
We believe you're ready now,
ready for a chance to leave your timeline
and join the greatest universe of all.
I am about to give you the thing you've always wanted.
I smell what you're stepping in.
The power in the Marvel Universe is about to change forever.
I am the Messiah.
I am...
Marvel Jesus.
Excuse me.
Just goin' over here.
Suck it, Fox.
I'm going to Disneyland.
Get fucked!
Where do I sign?
Oh, no need for paper work.
Good. Not to brag, but I do not read.
There is one thing I will need, though.
Oh, fuck off.
Adorn me, Beardo.
Fuckin-A!
It's perfect.
FYI, your tailor is a predator, but I love it.
Snug, no camel toe, new car smell,
and adamantium katanas? You shouldn't have.
Go ahead. Take it in.
And yes, your underwear is getting tighter.
That guy knows what I'm talking about.
His clothes say middle management
but his eyes say fucky-fucky.
Yes, you look very nice.
Nice? Your buddy here is ready to throw
it all away for me.
You calling your wife?
HR.
Is your wife working HR?
I'm really glad you're taking this so well.
Oh, I'm taking it well.
I have never had a problem traveling for work.
That said, we should talk vacation days.
I'm more of a one-week-on, one-week-off kind of guy.
I think it's what they do in Denmark.
You'll never see a Danish flag in the moon, but...
God damn it, they're happy.
Now, let's power up your little Amazon Fire Phone there
and zip me back home so I can let my friends know
that they've been upgraded... to Disciples.
Yep. You don't quite understand.
You will not be returning to your home
because there will be no home to return to.
Come again, this time in my ears?
This is your universe, Mr. Wilson.
That is what happens when a universe
loses their anchor-being.
See how it decays from the inside?
This is how a reality dies.
What's an anchor-being?
An anchor-being is an entity of such vital importance
that when they die, their whole world
slowly withers out of existence.
You've just won the lottery because I didn't die.
It's just a little midlife crisis, I'm better now.
Oh, my God!
Oh, not to laugh.
Can you imagine if you were the anchor-being?
Yeah.
No, it isn't you, Mr. Wilson.
Your anchor-being died in an act of self-sacrifice
so epic that it sent shivers down the timeline.
I am referring, of course, to Logan, the Wolverine.
Oh, this is what it feels like.
Logan.
Of course.
The guy forks for hands!
That Wolverine!
Yeah, I got it.
You can turn your retro graphics of death off now.
Make it stop.
We're not doing it, Mr. Wilson.
We certainly can't stop it.
How long have we got?
In most cases, a couple thousand years.
Well, sweet.
Most cases aren't fast enough, not for me.
What does that mean?
It means that I have been tasked with
overseeing the end of your universe
and regardless of what the pencil pushers
upstairs would prefer,
I will not waste my life watching it die
slowly of natural causes.
We used to just prune these things,
simple, elegant, efficient,
but I'm told the TVA doesn't like to do that anymore.
Well, I do.
And no matter what my so-called superiors say,
the multiverse does not need a babysitter.
We need a mercy killer.
And in this instance, I am the mercy killer.
What in the macguffin is that?
That's a time-ripper, Mr. Wilson.
An accelerant.
Once completed, it will allow me to
destroy the space-time matrix of your universe.
You see, I don't want to work for the TVA.
I want to be the TVA.
And the first step involves showing this
organization how much more efficient it can become.
I will be giving your universe a swift and compassionate end.
And don't worry, your friends won't feel a thing.
It'll be over just like this.
Oh, what's that?
Trust me.
You're gonna Old Yeller my fucking universe?
In your parlance, yes.
Two in the heart, one in the head.
Look, Mr. Wilson, you have two choices.
You can either rejoin your loved ones and
collectively cease to exist in, let's say, 72 hours,
or you join the sacred timeline.
And you end your days of insignificance and mediocrity.
Wade.
Wade, you can finally... finally matter.
That's all I've ever really wanted.
I know.
And you know, I'm nothing if not morally flexible.
Yep, yep.
I'll do it.
Wise choice.
The sacred timeline is happy to have you.
I was talking about finding the Wolverine
and breaking your fucking nose.
Find him.
Find him!
And boy, did he ever.
Which brings us back to this.
The desecration of the sacred corpse.
Ow, my own fucking arm.
- Now we're talking! - Not like this!
I'm sorry! "Wolverineing" is hard!
Make it stop!
Mangold tried!
You sick fuck!
Logan was a hero and the only thing
worth a shit to ever come out of Canada!
Get my country's name
out of your fucking mouth.
And my sword.
Gimme that.
Oh, I gotta find me another Logan.
An alive one.
Don't get up, guys. I'll see myself out.
Logan!
I'm gonna need you to come with me.
Who's asking?
Well, look at this little "Hairy Lou Retton".
Did you stick the landing, little guy?
Yes, you did, comic-accurate short king.
Such a cute wi-dou, wovee.
Cue the fucking montage, baby.
Oh boy! Everything seems to be on fire.
You have a dragon?
Ooh, you have anchor-being written all over.
Patch.
Now we're talking.
Ooh, yeah.
That's the whole goddamn package right there.
I'm auditioning anchor-beings.
Oh, that's gonna need some coconut oil.
What in the fuck?
Are you okay?
Oh, yes, yes.
Classic John Byrne brown and tan...
Now, you fought the Hulk in this outfit, no?
I'm Marvel Jesus, you dull creature, and I will not--
It's not you... we're just going in a different direction.
You know, from behind, you look a little bit like Henry--
Oh, my fuck!
The Cavillrine. The legends are true.
And may I say, sir, on behalf of all humanity,
this just feels right.
We will treat you so much better than
those shit-fucks down the street
You were just leaving.
No, sir, not while the fate of my universe is at--
This one looks promising.
Down you go.
Again.
I told you, you're not welcome here.
You're not welcome anywhere.
Now get the fuck out of my bar.
Just give me one more
drink and then I'll leave.
That's not how it works.
It does now. Leave the bottle.
I know you, bub?
Nope. But I know you.
Everybody knows me.
I'm the Wolverine.
Yes, you are, and I'm gonna need you to come with me right now.
Look, lady, I'm not interested.
Really getting into your cuffs--
Why would I go with you?
Because, unfortunately, I need you.
And even more unfortunately, my entire world needs you.
You two gonna fuck or fight?
You gonna take that from him?
Yep.
I can tell you that sort
of don't get too close,
I'll only break your heart by going here.
But every other Wolverine would have
really hurt me by now.
And I'm sort of on the tic-tic, so, upsy-daisy, here we go.
Oh.
Whiskey-dick of the claws. It's quite common in Wolverines over 40.
You don't want this.
You're right. I don't.
And you don't want this.
Unless you want to take a deep breath through your fucking forehead...
I suggest you reconsider.
Let's go, Peanut.
Oh, hold-on, hold-on.
Watch this.
All right.
That's a little... easy.
Good God.
Thirsty little honey-badger, aren't you?
It's okay. Keep going.
Audiences are accustomed to long run times.
I guess you'll have to do...
Okay.
Ooh.
Look at those jammies.
That only took 20 fucking years.
One anchor-being coming right up!
On your left, baby girl.
This Logan has the same... "he can do anything even musicals"-look.
Bonus! He's actually wearing a costume
like he's not embarrassed to be on a superhero movie for once.
I don't understand.
You said my universe is dying,
because this sack of nuts got himself killed.
Well, problem solved.
My God.
You actually think you can replace an
anchor-being with this?
I wouldn't have accepted any other Wolverine B-T-Dubs,
but you have outdone yourself and brought
me the worst Wolverine.
What do you mean the worst one?
Mr. Wilson, this Wolverine...
let down his entire world.
He's the stuff of legend, but not in a good way.
And what he did... well, some things are
just beyond forgiveness.
Okay. How do I make this right? I'll do anything.
I gave you a chance at greatness,
because my superiors deemed you special.
Clearly not special in a good way,
but apparently you have some important future purpose to serve.
With Thor, he holds me.
But I did my duty.
I gave you the opportunity to be somebody,
and instead of accepting my offering with
humility and gratitude, you broke my nose.
It looks great.
And decimated dozens of my men with the
exumed corpse of a hero,
dishonoring not only his remains, but his memory.
What are you, Internet?
Your world is dying!
Thank you very much.
And there's no stopping it.
The humane thing to do to make it quick!
Is the thought of vaporizing my universe making you peckish?
I'm eating my feelings.
I'm about to lose everything that I've ever cared about,
because that hairy thunder cunt from
down-under cunt finally dies, and he's standing
right behind me, isn't he?
Welcome to the MCU, by the way.
You're joining at a bit of a low point.
As for you, I want to talk to your boss.
I want you to get him on the phone,
and you tell him, her, or them that
Marvel H. Christ isn't playing.
Holy shit.
I just heard a symphony of buttholes clenching all at once.
You're off-grid.
Your bosses don't know what you sick fucks are doing down here.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I have a black belt in Karen, and I'm
going to go upstairs,
and I'm going to tell
them all about you and--
Oh, silence is nice.
What the fuck did he go?
To the trash heap.
You'll fit right in.
That was close.
Don't just stand there, you ape.
Give me a hand up.
No, I'm actually okay. Thank you!
Where the hell are we?
I don't know.
It looks kind of Mad Maxie.
But that would be IP infringement, right?
Fucking jokes.
Were you even listening back there?
We don't make it back to that Mr. Paradox asshole.
- Everyone I know is going to die. - Not my fucking problem!
Well, is that all you got?
Is that what you said when your world went to shit?
Come again?
Yeah, I heard all about you.
How you screwed up everything,
You should be thanking me for pulling you out of that bed you shit in.
You backstabbing son of a bitch!
Are you ready to be calm now?
Rest in pieces Fox.
I don't want to fight you, peanut.
Doesn't matter what you did.
I just need your help.
I don't fucking care.
This is gonna hurt.
Alright!
Fuck it!
Let's give the people what they came for.
Let's fucking go.
Get your special sock out, nerds.
This gonna get good.
Baby knife!
Let's see you grow your fucking head back!
I can fix it! I can fix it!
It's what? Whatever it is that you did.
Whatever made you so bad.
Those... those...
Pricks! In the TPA you heard them.
They have the power to end my universe.
But they also have the power to change yours.
We get back there.
And we can fix your world.
Together.
I promise.
They can fix it.
Hey! We fight each other, we lose.
Dear God, it's him.
- Who? - The One.
The superhero equivalent to comfort-food or molly.
White guy's answer to all their disappointments and another A-lister.
Fair warning, gorgeous.
You're going to encounter some indelicate language.
A smidge of ass play, but we've been prohibited from using cocaine... on camera.
- They're coming. - Who's they?
Oh, they're driving angry.
Now that's a superhero lead!
I got this.
Stay close.
Aye-aye Captain.
You got this.
Cassandra is going to be giddy when she sees what we caught.
You can't run. Everybody knows that.
You see anyone running, dick-for-brains?
You're not going to love what happens next.
Oh, oh my God.
Oh my God He's going to say it.
Ha! Oh my God! He's going to say it!
- Say, what? - Avengers, assemb--
Flame on!
Oh! Fuck!
- We don't know that guy. - We thought we did.
I know you.
Holy sh--
- Sabretooth, your brother. - Ready to die!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Time!
You look ridiculous.
People have waited decades for this fight.
It's not going to be easy.
Baby knife!
Shoot the double, take him down.
Side control, then full mount and
ground and pound 'til he makes no sound because he's dead.
- Shut the fuck up. - Oh my God.
Okay, good luck. I'm a huge fan.
What is it, girl?
Is there trouble at the well?
Big trouble.
Behold!
The head of your precious queen, Furiosa!
I have the Wolverine.
I alone control her.
You come for me!
You come for her.
So sorry. I know it's pronounced him.
I'm genderblind. It's my cross to bear.
Who's next?
Toad! You're up.
Uh-oh.
Holy shi--
...God of Thunder.
When was I asleep?
Not all of you was asleep.
Don't bother.
They're very thorough.
If you know where we are, start talking.
You're in the void.
Think of it as purgatory.
Reed called it a metaphysical junkyard
where anything useless goes before it gets annihilated forever
and where the TVA sends people that don't play nice with the rest of the multiverse.
- Like you? - And you.
What does the annihilating?
Alioth.
Alioth is in this thing? From Loki season one episode five?
Everyone here is on the run from Alioth.
Most, don't make it.
There's a resistance though.
Other people like us that manage to survive,
they're hiding out in the border lands trying to find a way the fuck outta here.
Then that's where we go.
We? Us? A team? The answer is yes! Shake on it.
Fuck!
You nicked it! Just got the tip with your little steak knife.
These others can help us get back to the TVA. They can fix things.
Something funny, Bub?
She might have something to say about that.
Who's she?
In the void.
You're either food for Alioth or you work for her.
Oh, Paul Rudd finally aged.
Oh, you must be this year's Juggernaut. Thank you!
I'd keep your voices down. She don't like the chatter.
She's gonna love you.
Is it Charles?
Hey, hey, Chuck, it's us!
That's not Chuck.
Ah, shit.
Oh, ableism, great.
That's not gonna go over well with the woke mob.
A Wolverine.
I wondered when I'd get one of you.
You're one of Xavier's.
You know him, you know Chuck?
Oh, I knew him.
We shared a womb.
Tried to strangle the sly little fellow with my umbilical cord.
Amen... I've never loved roommates.
Mine's blind, except she could see cocaine for some reason.
You wanna chime in, Your Majesty?
I'm dying here.
Who are you?
Charles Xavier's twin, Cassandra Nova.
- Bullshit. - Must've been an anal birth.
You two are cute.
I have a good feeling about this.
And I've been trying to catch this little firefly...
...for years, haven't I, Johnny?
You picked the wrong time to make new friends.
Oh, Johnny told us all about you.
Maybe shut up now.
- Yeah, maybe don't - We were just talking here.
Yeah, Johnny told us you're a psychotic, megalomaniacal asshole.
His word's not mine. Hell bent, on domination and pain.
- You said all that about me. - No, no!
I didn't say any of that!
Get some stones, Johnny!
I'll let her intimidate you.
Like you said in the convoy.
This finger-licking, dead inside,
pixie slab of third-rate dime store nut milk
can eat your delicious cinnamon ring and kick rocks all the way to bald-hell.
I have never said any of those words in my entire life!
The modesty!
People think I'm a shit-talker, but this guy... next level.
What?
I don't even know what half of that means!
My hat's off to you, sir, truly.
I didn't... he's... that's... I, I, I don't--
Not my favorite Chris.
You stupid piece of shit, you just got him fucking killed!
Hey, we're all grieving!
PS, do you know what he was doing to the budget?
Alioth is hungry.
There's been some kind of mistake.
Big Yellow is a backup anchor-being,
and I'm Marvel Jesus, MJ if you're nasty.
This may be hard to hear, but there's another British villain.
He's gonna destroy my universe, and I'm gonna stop him.
Oh, honey, you don't really strike me as a world-saving type.
Did I hit a nerve?
I didn't want it to come to this.
Either you help us, or my friend here is gonna sing the entire
second act of "Music Man", with zero warmup.
Where'd you get the chair?
Once in a while, I do get a Charles through here.
Nevermind, though, no.
He didn't care to find me.
Ah, Gen-Z, and their trauma-bragging!
Can't you just stuff it down, turn it into accomplishment
or cancer like the rest of us?
But I'm not like the rest of you... Except maybe the Wolverine.
Now we could be truly terrifying together.
You're that scary, huh?
The TVA certainly thought so. They sent me here before I could walk.
And you know, it's the best thing that ever happened to me.
I love it here.
You live in a garbage dump.
I think we both know who lives in the garbage dump.
The void is a paradise.
I can wield my power here without shame.
Unfortunately, I had no Chales Xavier to teach me temperance.
What about your Charles?
Did he protect you?
Did he make you feel safe?
We're mutants, we're never safe.
I don't want the smoke. I don't have any beef with you.
I just want to save my friends. I just, I want to go home.
- Well, the thing is, I could get you home. - Good.
But I don't want to.
Not good.
What do you want, Wade Wilson?
Uh, your fingers are inside me, but not in a good way.
My brother could enter one's mind with a thought.
I have to get my hands dirty.
Oh, gosh.
I've got you.
You're not here.
- I'm right here. - No, you're not, I can't.
I'm right here.
Then show me you gotta do something.
Show you what?
Show me you care about something bigger than you.
Ever since they turned
you down, you took a knee.
Baby, you never got back up.
I know you're going through something.
Let me go through it with you.
- Your crazy matches-- - My crazy...
Where'd you go?
Oh my God.
You just say it, okay?
Say, "I don't want you...
... I don't want to be with you."
Go ahead, say it, say it, say it, say it.
You don't want to be with me. Tell me that and I'll walk away.
Say, "I don't want you."
You'll never fucking matter.
What?
You'll never fucking matter.
You'll
never
fucking
matter.
She never said that.
No, but I bet she thought it.
You are so mean!
My brain could taste your fingers and they tasted like hate.
And we're in God's where's the intimacy coordinator?
You're so lost, Mr. Wilson.
Long before you came here.
This is Baby Knife, she's gonna fuck you in the face now.
If you want to kill me, it's going to take more than a little bit.
How about six?
Ah, my boy, quick and strong.
That's my big boy! Yes you are!
Well, this has been fun,
but the big guy needs to eat and the rent is due.
By the way, you're the rent.
- Coming or what? - Coming!
What you thinking about?
Get the fuck off of me.
Shh, shh.
Almost done.
Almost done what?
- Getting my knife out of your buttocks. - Ah, fuck!
Go, get your mind out of my pants.
I'm telling Blake.
New rules.
I talk now.
That's gonna be very hard on the audience.
Shut the fuck up!
Let me fucking think.
We gotta get back to paradox, right?
Right?
"Je m'excuse"... Am I allowed to speak now or--
Just nod, asshole.
Right.
Then we find the Others that poor kid Johnny was talking about before you got him killed.
Poor kid!? He's like 50!
If there's a chance they know how to get out of here,
we find him and make those TVA fuckers fix my shit like you fucking promised.
I smell Quest.
I smell food.
So what made you finally wear an honest to God costume?
Mine's red so they can't see me bleed.
But I can see how yellow would be useful too.
Have you been checked for ADHD?
But I've had several STDs, which were probably caused by ADHD.
What are you looking for?
Oh, fuck. Fuck.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's rubbing alcohol. You don't wanna drink--
Yeah, there you go. Fuck that liver.
Okay.
What the fuck are those?
Back in civilian life I wear a toupee. But nobody knows.
Everybody knows.
Wanna talk about what's haunting you
or should we wait for a third act flashback?
Go fuck yourself.
You know,
in my world, you're... well regarded.
Yeah, well, not in mine.
They don't like me much in mine either.
You don't say.
I want it to be something.
You know, I've... Shit, I wanted to be an Avenger.
Fuck the Avengers.
I didn't make the cut though. Same with the X-Men.
- My girlfriend left me like this. - You had a girlfriend?
Yeah.
Vanessa, when we met, she was a dancer.
I mean, we had a whole life... ...It was good.
But oh boy, I just... ...fuck that right up.
But you, you were an X-Men.
Fuck that, you were the X-Men.
The Wolverine
He's a hero in that world.
Yeah, well... he ain't shit in mine.
You said Logan was a hero, what happened?
He died.
How?
Well, technically you were chest fucked by a tree,
but really he just ran out of batteries trying to save someone.
Who?
The shit heels that grew in a lab called her X-23.
But she was just a kid.
A younger, daintier, somehow meaner version of you.
He died trying to save her.
It was beautiful.
Look, "mijo", I know you're hurt.
My blind, elderly African-American roommate,
Blind Al, always says that pain teaches us who we are.
Sometimes we need to listen to that pain instead of running from it.
- Holy shit. - Yeah, she's wise.
No, no, that's her name, you call her Blind Al.
Well, she's blind.
Look at you.
She's coming with us.
No, she's not.
Oh, yes, she is.
- Fuck no. - Oh, yes
Sorry about that.
Come here, girl.
Who are you?
I'm Deadpool.
And I guess you're Deadpool too.
But in here, everybody calls me Nicepool.
Oh my goodness, wait until you see Ladypool. She is gorgeous!
She just had a baby too and... can't even tell.
I don't think you're supposed to say that.
That's okay.
- I identify as a feminist. - Right.
Are those gold-plated, 50 caliber Desert Eagle Pistoleros?
Of course... To match my ear huggy.
Can I have them?
Over my dead body.
You're fun.
And I guess you've already met Mary Puppins.
AKA Dogpool.
Be careful where you put your hand. She's 90% G-Spot, and she'll let you know it.
You let this little flirt out of your sight for one second
and she starts shopping for a new papa.
If you can't be a responsible pet owner,
then maybe you don't deserve this little unicorn.
Guilty on all charges, your honor.
Shan't happen again.
Why are you so nice?
It costs nothing to be kind.
- Shutting the fuck up is also free. - "Caliente".
This is Logan.
He's usually shirtless, but he's let himself go since the divorce.
Where's your mask?
Come on, guys.
Oh, this guy.
We're looking for a group of survivors.
Oh, they're out there.
But Merk to Merk, you better hope that you don't run into the Deadpool core.
Yeah, they're crazy. They will chop you up into a thousand pieces and hide you all over the void.
If they could only process their childhood trauma, they'd go on one heck of a healing journey.
Look, we're headed for the Borderlands. You know where it is?
Borderlands, yeah, that's 12 clicks...
...do West. I can lend you my ride if you like.
It would be my honor.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, absolutely not.
Uh-uh, what the?
No, no.
- Just get in the car. - This isn't a car.
This is a Honda fucking Odyssey.
Throttle response sucks a cock.
Dated infotainment system.
When Honda saw that untreated chlamydia was making a comeback,
they invented the Honda Odyssey... to compete.
Get in the fucking car.
She'll get you there safe and sound.
Ol' Betsy always does.
You're gonna have to give him a dog back though.
I know, listen. Yes child.
If you ever wanna give her up, or if she needs a new home,
or if something should happen to you, I'd love to be her papa.
What would ever happen to me?
Lots of stuff.
No, we're running away.
Don't, the corn was too dense, girl.
Fuck!
Okay, I'm just gonna ask.
What's with the suit?
First thing I did when I flamed out, I took mine off.
- Drop it. - It's not that ugly.
- Stop talking about my sui--. - Did you make it yourself?
- Been there. - Quit now.
The X-Men make you wear it? Those sons of fucking bitches.
They are not your friends, I'll tell you that.
Friends don't let friends leave the house looking
like they fight crime for the Los Angeles Rams.
Shut the fuck up about the suit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Watch your frown lines, angel baby. I'm just trying to bond a little bit.
Yeah, well then talk about something else.
Fine.
Stop it.
If they can fix your world.
What's the first thing you're gonna do when you get out of here?
Some rubbing-alcohol shots? Maybe a wiper-fluid chaser?
What did you say?
So when you get back,
...what's the first thing you're gonna do? - No, no, no, before that.
If they can fix your world?
- What do you mean "if"? - I mean--
You lied to me.
You don't have a fucking clue if they can help me fix things, do you?
No, I mean-- No, fuck!
Fuck!
- I didn't lie. - You lied.
No, I made an educated wish.
Because I need you.
This, this is why.
Right here.
Because if we don't do something, they die.
I don't know anything about saving worlds.
And why would I even care?
Because my entire world is right here in this picture.
It's only nine people, and I have no idea how to save it alone.
I know how to fuck people up for money,
but you, you, know how to save them.
At least the other Wolverine did.
Oh, fuck!
I guess I'm stuck with the worst one.
Did you say you made an
educated fucking wish?
They call me the Merc with the Mouth.
They don't call me Truthful Timmy, the blowjob queen of Saskatoon.
One more word.
Please give me one.
Gubernatorial.
You know what? You're a fucking joke.
No wonder the Avengers didn't take you.
Or the X-Men... and they'll take fuckin' anyone!
I mean, you are a
ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron.
I have never met
a sadder, more attention-starved,
jabbering little prick in my entire life.
And that says a lot,
because I've been alive for more than 200 fucking years.
I'll tell ya, that bald chick was right about one thing.
You will never save the world.
You couldn't even save a relationship with a goddamn stripper.
Motherfucker, I wish I could say you'll die alone,
but it's one of God's best jokes that you can't die, except that's on all of us.
You got nothing to say, 'Mouth?
I'm gonna fight you now.
How are you?
Not talkin' now, are you?
You dirty bitch!
No, no, no.
I take it all back, the Honda Odyssey fucks hard.
Too bad you don't, needle dick.
Oh, we're just getting started, bub.
Thor!
Where are we?
No clue, but I like it here.
Okay, look at you... all.
You must be the Others.
Terrific.
So just to refresh, you are one--
- Elektra. - Elektra, yes.
Who could forget?
And you, I was not expecting to see you here,
thought you were... you know, retired.
Retarded?
Retired.
I'm already in the void. I'm not trying to get canceled again.
- I don't like you. - You never did.
And who's this succulent reminder of my own inadequacies?
Look at you. You look like the superhero version of Hawkeye.
The name's Remy LeBeau.
"Le Diable Blanc", but you can call me the Gambit.
It's been a while since I've seen Sling Blade hit me again.
They call me the Gambit.
Do they?
Are you sure you didn't just really, really want them to, but it never quite worked out?
You know, we never had a Wolverine up in here.
But I can tell you now, it's just a common courtesy to ask
before you drink up all of my liquor.
It's a good thing I don't give a fuck.
So embarrassing.
Well, now that that's settled, look, we came a long
way to find you three.
- There's four of us. - There's four?
Wait, is it Magneto?
Dear sweet God in heaven, let it be Magneto,
...because with him, - He's dead - Fuck!
Now Disney gets cheap?
It's like Pinocchio
jammed his face in my ass and started lying like crazy.
Not a single word... what do you do exactly?
Charge the playing cards.
Make them go boom.
Your power is close-up magic, that's good.
We're not totally fucked at all.
Who brought us here?
That would be me.
Don't make me regret it.
Holy shit, Logan, that's her, that's X-23.
She's the one I told you about.
How did you all get stuck in the void?
There was a knock at the door,
TVA sent me here.
Me too.
Maybe I was born here, so it's hard to know for sure.
TVA decided our universe was dying,
and I never even got a chance to fight for it.
People like us don't go quietly.
TVA knows that, so they took us out.
The answer is yes, I'm in.
In what?
A team.
Me, you, you and me, all of us together.
Let's get the fuck out of this place.
- Don't listen to him. He's a fucking liar. - It was an educated wish!
Look!
We've been inside Cassandra's lair.
The only way out of the void is through her.
She can get us home.
She told us.
Wait a minute, you've been inside? And you made it out alive?
Bullshit. Nobody's ever done that.
- We did. - Every time one of us...
...has gone up against her, they die.
The Punisher,
the Quicksilver, the Daredevil.
- Daredevil, I'm so sorry. - It's fine.
Okay.
Even that sweet baby angel, Johnny Storm,
he up and going missing like, what, two days ago?
Ah, that's so sad.
Whoever this Johnny feller is, I'm sure he's thriving.
Look, there's strength in numbers, all right?
Us, plus you guys, we can put Cassandra over our knee
and force her to let us out of the void.
I know what it means to feel self-doubt.
- I don't feel that at all. - I'm good.
Gnawing a your gut like a coked up tape-worm.
It's like you're holding up a mirror to my soul.
You guys may not have been able to save your universes,
but you can avenge them. It's what Johnny would have wanted.
Wait, you knew Johnny?
Oh yeah.
Dick head here, talked him into a team-up.
And Johnny came down with a little case of "the deads".
No, no, no, no, we don't know that.
It was just a flesh wound.
He may have survived.
If he survived that,
...he is praying for death. - Thank you, Dr. Wolverine.
Spill-it!
What you do to Johnny, huh? Talk, or I'm gonna start dealing.
Okay, okay, hey, hey, hey.
Okay, he ran his fat-ass mouth about Cassandra,
and she zip-zapped his skin,
leaving his organs to splash crudely onto the ground, while the soil greedily drank his blood.
It was horrible. He was like a brother to me.
Look, he died before he could make a difference,
but maybe you couldn't save your world, but Jesus Christ, you could save mine.
I don't give a shit about your world,
but if these two made it out of there alive,
maybe together, we could get back in and take her down.
Where I come from... We call that suicide, "chère".
If we can block her psychic powers, we can get a leg up.
I know it.
Now, I know Magneto's dead,
but I venture a guess that his helmet is lying around here somewhere.
- Cassandra melted a helmet. - Fuck!
- After did she killed him. - Fuuuck!
She don't play.
She knows that helmet was the only way
to protect anyone from her powers.
The only other helmet that strong is Juggernaut's,
but he works for Cassandra.
- Juggernauts helmet, that's it. - And we know that lid...
...ain't coming off without 'dat dong come off wid'it.
I'm so sorry, beautiful, I want this to be gentle.
Who is your dialect coach?
The minions?
I feel like we're missing critical exposition here.
I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of hiding.
Let's face it, our worlds forgot about us.
Or never learned about us.
The heroes we were.
- Lives we saved. - Or wanted to save.
Maybe these two are our chance,
to be remembered the way we deserve.
Yes.
An ending
Legacy.
Yes, yes, let this man cook.
This is what I'm talking about.
Big slow-motion fight, sad music, everybody working together.
Who knows if you live or die, that sort of thing.
Who's ready?
I was born ready.
Yes, Gambit?
I ain't know my daddy,
but I'm sure I shot out of his dick ready.
Jesus Christ, that is graphic.
Yeah, he was laying dem buttery nuts all up in my mamma
and I shot out up there and I said, "What's up, doc?"
Johnny must've loved you.
X-23, what's it gonna be?
The name's Laura.
Let's fucking go.
So, let's kick it and go.
Yeah, we're doing this.
You're all fucking dead.
My god, read the room.
I'm not looking for company.
Get out of here.
You remind me of him... Angry, drunk, mean.
- Sounds like a great guy. - I wasn't finished.
Showed up when it mattered the most.
Couldn't help it.
You might not know it, but you're a good man, Logan.
You might not know it, but apparently I'm the worst Logan.
I got to have a life because of you.
I got to grow up because of you.
A lot of kids did.
A lot of kids didn't grow up because of me.
Trust me, kid, I'm no hero.
That suit says different.
Yeah, you like it?
Scott used to beg me to wear it.
So did Jean, Storm, Beast.
All of them.
Wanted me to be part of the team.
Told them they all looked fucking ridiculous.
I couldn't have them thinking I wanted to be there.
And then one day, while I was off on my own, the humans came.
And went mutant hunting.
I can guess the rest.
No, no, let me.
Let me say it.
I need to say it.
By the time I stumbled home shit-faced from the bar, it was too late.
They were dead, every...
This suit's all I got to remind me of who they were.
And what I did.
We're headed to Cassandra's at sun up.
Have fun, not my fight.
We won't pull this off without you.
Hey, whoever you think I am, you got the wrong guy.
You were always the wrong guy.
What?
Alioth didn't get them.
Cassandra wanted to play with them herself first.
They got away.
- Did they find the Others? - No.
- Good, all right. - The Others found them.
Oh, very cute, well done, Pyro.
Classic bait-and-switch, you really got me there.
Relax.
If they come after Nova, she'll handle it.
Cassandra is a lunatic wild card.
Why do you think we put her there in the first place?
Thank God she's never chosen to leave the void.
The time-ripper is hours away from completion.
I cannot take any chances.
Maybe not, but I can.
For a price.
Why do you have to say it, in that silly voice?
- It's so icky.
- You want it done or not?
All right, your price. Take her out.
Mutants.
Look at that, yeah.
See them big ole hands come closing?
I don' wan' to end up inside dat?
What Gambit's trying to say is
getting Juggernaut's helmet ain't gonna be easy.
I'm just making stuff up with this. Yeah, tilt up to Blade.
Where do you get that little beauty?
That's Punisher's 18-4.
Which Punisher?
There's been like five of them.
There's only been one Blade.
There's only ever gonna be one Blade.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
You know how long I've been waiting for this?
Whoo, I'm about to make a name for myself here.
I don't think you guys walk away from this.
You just make sure people know what happened here today.
When you get out of here, you have a drink for me, yeah?
You just stay on our six, get inside.
We'll make sure you get the package.
And we'll get our ending.
Some motherfucker's still trying to ice skate up here.
You two escaping I could live with,
but coming back, willingly.
Boys are so silly.
I just need to get home.
Well, that's not on the menu, I'm afraid.
It's death or enslavement. "à la carte", of course.
Upsy daisy!
Finally, it's nice to give someone else a chance to talk.
Not my strong suit.
Shouldn't have done dat.
Adios, pendejo.
You are an interesting one, aren't you?
I do feel like you get lost behind all of this.
Deadpools are a dime a dozen here in the void.
But you, what's going on in here?
Interesting.
Not what I expected back here.
Behind the anger.
You're hiding... from them,
from all the ones you let down.
So much pain.
I walked away.
They called after me and I walked away.
I always do.
I know.
That's not all you did, is it?
You found them, the X-Men.
Dead.
What did you do?
I started killing... and I couldn't stop.
I didn't want to stop.
All those bad men.
It's not just the bad ones.
My little animal.
I turned the whole world against the X-Men.
Just once...
I want to be the man that Charles thought I was.
Logan, in the void you can be, what you are.
I just want to be free.
I can set you free.
I can silence all those voices.
I've got you.
No...
I got you.
Get... It... Off!
You're gonna send us home or I'm gonna twist your fucking head off.
Why are you laughing?
I can't send you unless you
get this thing off my head.
And as soon as you do that,
I'm going to boil your brains on an atomic level
whilst flicking my bean to the Enya box set.
There's an Enya box set?
Either you kill me or I kill you.
Both wonderful options.
You want me to do it?
No, I'll do it.
I have her neck right here, it's really no problem.
You'll screw it up.
Oh come on, Mr. PG-13 except the last one.
What the fuck?
No, no, no.
You have no idea what it's like.
Day after day, shovel the shit.
Fetch the meats.
I have spent my entire--
Not everyone gets a speech.
She's gonna die.
Okay, hey, hey. If Itake this helmet off,
you promise you won't kill us.
I promise I will kill you first.
Why are you like this?
I wish I knew.
Take it off.
- What? - Take it off.
- Why? - Just take it off.
This is our only chance to fix our shit.
Take it off!
I am wearing a suit.
And that means a lot of things,
but most of all, it means I'm an X-Man.
And I know your brother.
As much as I wanna fucking kill you,
every bone in my body wants to fucking kill you.
He would not let me stand here and watch you die.
Take your hands off.
This is for him.
This is for Charles.
Don't you dare do me like Johnny.
My brother loved you.
He loved all of us?
Hmm. Must be nice.
He would have loved you too.
If he knew about you,
if he knew where you were, he would have torn a
hole in the fucking universe to bring you home.
This is home.
At least let us save his.
You wanna hear something crazy?
An amature magician rolled through here a while back.
I killed him, of course,
wore his skin around for four days.
But I found this little trinket on his lovely fingers.
Strange...
Marvel sparkle circle.
- What is that? - This is your way home.
I do owe you for saving my life, but let's keep things interesting.
I'd say you have about four seconds before you're Alioth's food.
Race you.
You got a standard three year
bumper-to-bumper warranty.
Glad you gave us a second chance.
And don't worry, Wade and I are a team,
so I'll see he gets half the comi--
That feels like a Kia
It's that kid's car, wasn't it?
Holy shit, that's Deadpool.
That's Wolverine.
You damn straight it is.
Fox killed him. Disney brought him back.
They're gonna make him do this till he's 90.
Let's go.
- I'll clock you out. - Forever.
Forever.
Wakey wakey.
God.
Now you put all these bullets in my belly
and I'm gonna find out why.
Whoa, whoa!
I'll just say it!
You don't have to stick your fingers in me.
Jesus, just ask sometimes.
Fine.
Really?
Hands in pockets.
A guy named Paradox.
He said he'd get me out of the void.
All I know is he works for the TVA.
The TVA? We had an agreement.
I don't think this guy cares.
Huh, he will.
Hey people, how much longer before the time-ripper is active?
We're running the final safety checks.
Oh, okay, all right, thanks for all your hard work, Ralph, tip-top!
Really?
No, you drooling boob. No, we have company,
cancel the safety checks.
We need to be live now.
Oh, I hate you so much!
No, stop, piss off, you're too late.
You're fucking done.
- Why was Thor crying? - How dare you?
No one comes back from the void.
Tell that to Cassandra Nova.
Paradox, we have a problem.
Paradox?
Well, you are dourier than you looked in Pyro's head,
you tried to kill me.
I literally have no idea.
You come for the king, you better kill the king.
Oh, welcome to the skull fuck club, Paradox.
You know she doesn't wash that hand .
Oh, what's this?
A time-ripper? Naughty boy.
Oh no, we're on it, we're gonna head down
and dismantle that thing now.
We got you, boo, you just keep playing those keys.
I don't want to destroy it.
I want to use it.
Now shoo, mommy and daddy are having a conversation.
You know, the funny thing is...
I was happy in the void.
You sent no trash to me, Alioth and I cleaned it up.
Everyone was happy.
And you had to go and piss on my side of the fence.
And so now the fence must come down.
I'm going to use your little time-ripper
and I'm going to destroy this universe
and the next and the next and the next
until all that's left is the void.
And I get to play God.
Come on.
Now, who are going to show me how to use
this fancy gadget of yours
Don't worry, I've called some friends to make sure we're not disturbed.
Sorry to bother, madam, but there's something you need to see.
We're getting indications of an unsanctioned time-ripper
activating on Earth 10005.
- Whose district is that? - Paradox.
Thank you so much for your help, darling.
God, good to get out of that head.
What a mess.
Stop.
Let's give it a beat for the extras to clear.
Go, go, go, go.
Oh my God.
Come on, girl.
That's my girl, we don't have to be apart ever, ever again.
Never, ever again.
- Sorry. - Fuck!
What's cafe gratitude doing here?
Sorry about that.
Tremble not, sweet Mary Puppins. I'll handle him...
Come here, girl. Papa is here.
Hey, do not insult this animal's autonomy.
She can decide who her papa is.
What's it gonna be, girl, huh?
Original recipe? Or "Van Milder" here?
Oh, it's funny.
I can gently tap the fourth wall too.
The proposal.
The fuck was that?
Bitch, you think that's what I do?
Both of you, shut up.
- You smell something? - Yeah, you.
A lot of you.
I told you there were a lot of Deadpools over there.
That's bad.
I take it they're not friendly.
Goodness, no.
Sorry about this, boys.
Mission over.
Cause of death, 100. Kill thirsty Deadpools.
They're dumb, but they can fight.
Not me though. I'd love to get in the mix,
but I have low bone density and I have to keep my face safe.
Hold please.
Oh, God.
All right, look.
Guys!
Deadpool Prime here.
Our fight isn't with you.
Hey, when I want your opinion,
I'll take Wolverine's dick out of your mouth.
That's Kidpool, she's the dirtiest.
- Can we just be done? - Ooh, we're just getting started.
No, no, no, no, no.
With the whole multiverse thing.
It's not great.
It's just been miss after miss after miss.
Wizard of Oz did the multiverse first and they did it best.
The gays knew it, but we didn't listen.
Let's just take the L and move on.
I think it's been steadily great since Endgame.
What are you talking about? The multiverse is over.
Cassandy's gonna destroy the fuck out of every timelime.
Y'all can't do shit about it.
Do you not get it?
If we don't get down to the subway, and stop her or we all die.
Say the boss lady don't want no disturbance.
You wanna get down to the subway?
You gotta go through us!
Uzi time, baby.
Look alive.
I think I'm hit.
No shit?! You did that on purpose!
I did no such thing!
Listen to me, gorgeous.
How long does it take for you to regenerate?
Regenerate?
You really are God's perfect idiot, aren't you?
I'm okay.
How dare you, you insensitive son of a bitch.
How was I supposed to know he doesn't regenerate?
I'm not a medicine woman.
Look, a donut cart. They're practically hospitals.
- They sell portable triage units. - They don't.
- I'm gonna get you to safety. - He's not.
Deep breath.
Hey, why are we stopping?
Just catching my breath. Are your legs on vacation?
- You're dead weight.
- Just because I'm paralyzed.
We all have problems. Listen to me.
You're gonna live.
Look at me, Nicepool.
You're gonna live.
Say it.
I'm gonna live.
Say it with me.
You're gonna live.
I'm gonna live.
Ha ha.
Say it louder!
I'm gonna live.
Hold your fire.
Sweet little puppy.
I don't think he's gonna make it.
God, he loved his face.
I could taste his final thought.
He was so afraid.
But he died a hero.
He died from murder, you dumb fuck.
All I have to remember him by
are these two gold-plated,
50 caliber desert eagle pistoleros.
This is for him. Are you ready?
I get to kill 100 yous? Fuck yeah, I'm ready.
- You don't wanna see this, bub. - That's a good girl.
Holy shit.
You saved the good stuff for special occasions?
Killing mostly.
What's the wind resistance on those blowjob handles?
Sorry, I'm just a catty bitch when I'm jealous!
All right, let's do this. Maximum effort.
Mother fucker!
I wish I was deaf!
Come on, I blew it.
After all that, the only thing
you're gonna remember is
that god-awful dismount.
What are you laughing at, little fucker?
Uh-oh.
I guess these ones regenerate.
Come on, we don't have time for this!
Deadpools, stand down!
This Deadpool is with me.
Oh no.
Holy shit.
That's fucking Peter.
Wait, you guys know Peter?
Are you kidding me? Every Deadpool has a Peter.
Shit, Peter's a god damn legend in every Deadpool's world.
Peter-san, hay!
Enjoy my Peter!
Oh, now you're here.
- Oh well, you're too late, it's all over. - Not yet, it's not.
No, no, no, no, but we're very close.
Homestretch, folks, promise.
Quick, let's have the stakes.
If she steals the time-ripper's energy,
she has the power to shred the fabric of all the realities
until there is nothing left but the void.
- How do we shut it down? - I don't know.
How about now?
The mask is really intimidating, huh?
It's like Batman except he can move his neck.
Okay, look, look, look, look, look.
The Ripper is fed from a secure chamber below ground.
It is powered by twin matter and antimatter feeds
converging inside the device.
Now Cassandra Nova is redirecting the Ripper's power
to eliminate all timelines, starting with this one.
Theoretically, you could stop her
by short circuiting the feeds in the chamber below.
One of you would create a circuit between the two feeds,
then the released power would destroy the machine.
- But, well-- - Come on, man!
If you're not gonna swallow, spit it out.
Whoever formed the bridge would be annihilated.
- I could live with that.
- I could live with that too, actually...
...we survive anything. We're like cockroaches.
Not this time.
This is matter and antimatter.
They do not play nicely with each other.
When they mix in your body, you will be atomized.
Trust the laws of physics if you don't trust me.
Even if you lived long enough to make the circuit,
You will die down there.
Hold up, hold up.
You heard that asshole upstairs.
Even if we pull this off, we're dead, permanently.
- That's why it's gotta be me. - What?
Look, man, you didn't ask for any of this.
You were right.
I lied.
I lied right to your face.
Just to get you to help me, you did.
You didn't lie.
You made an educated wish.
Come on.
You got a whole world to go back to.
I got nothing.
Give me this.
Hey.
I waited a long time for this team-up.
You know something?
You're the best Wolverine.
Say hi to your friends for me.
Open the door.
I can't hear you over all the noble sacrifice.
Why are you fucking doing this?
Because I'm Marvel Jesus.
Or Spock.
Hard to say.
Hey!
You're fucking idiot!
Sorry, I'm just stalling.
I think I'm nervous about dying.
This should be me.
Say hi to my friends for me, Peanut.
Wade?
You wanna be an annoying prick?
You're just sorry.
You're gonna die again, you dumb fuck!
Hey, you don't need to do this.
I'm not doing it because I need it.
I'm doing it because they do.
No!
He's not gonna make it.
It's over.
The Wolverine is a hero in my world.
Whoever you think I am, you got the wrong guy.
You were always the wrong guy.
Till you weren't.
Wade.
Wade, you can finally, finally, matter.
Vanessa.
I wanna see Vanessa.
For the first time in my life, I'm proud...
...to wear this suit.
It means I'm an X-Men.
I am The X-Man.
Paradox!
You've been busy.
Well, somebody had to be.
We had some strange readings from this location.
You wouldn't know anything
about an unsanctioned time-ripper, would you?
No, no, I wouldn't know anything
about an unsanctioned time-ripper.
Maybe you should ask Cassandra Nova,
because I was assured that she was safely held in the void.
But no, she was here and she fondled my brain.
- How did she let this happen? - You weren't involved at all?
In stopping her, yes, yes, I was.
But not nearly enough.
Not as much as the men who went down there after her.
My men, my friends...
I warned them, but they would be
completely obliterated if they went, but they went anyway, like...
...like heroes.
Because that's who they were.
They just did what they had to do.
With no concern for their own safety.
The fact that we are all still standing here
is a testament to their heroism.
Anyway, there's nothing you nor I can do to bring them back now.
- He has risen, baby girl! - Fuck!
Found your new anchor-being.
And we're doing just fine you piece of shit.
Fine indeed.
All right, put your greasy tits away, you preening slut.
I don't understand. How are you two still alive?
You're right, one of us would have been killed.
But you put a Deadpool and a Wolverine together,
make them hold hands while listening to Madonna?
Indestructible motherfucker!
Let's get this Deadpool variant back to the void.
Wait, hold on, what?
Nope, actually, this one's homegrown.
Like me, he belongs here.
And you are?
Peterpool. But you can call me Peter.
And I hope that you do.
What the fuck is happening here?
You are under judgment
for operating an unsanctioned time-ripper.
Take him.
I was just doing what you don't have the guts to do.
Get off, get off, your filthy hands off me!
I'm grateful, gentlemen.
Let's hold the bows.
You led an Omega level mutant to this timeline.
You're welcome.
And you shouldn't even be near this timeline.
He's welcome.
And you look damn good in that suit.
I'm so sorry.
I wanna show you something.
Something huge.
That's what Scoutmaster Kevin used to say.
Do you see that?
Your universe is regenerating.
Whatever you did here, you not only saved your world,
you spared your timeline from extinction.
I'd rest up.
I have a feeling your work is only just getting started.
Till you're 90.
Wait!
We couldn't have made it out of the void
without some help from some people
that the world kinda forgot.
Is there any way that you could maybe find a way
to bring them home?
I'll see what I can do.
And I promised my friend here that the TVA could undo
some pretty awful shit in his timeline.
What would you say to that?
Change the past?
He did help me save the world.
And his past made him the man who did it.
There's nothing to fix, Mr. Wilson.
Logan.
- Shawarma? - I could eat.
You know the Avengers discovered Shawarma.
They'd be lucky to have you.
Fuck off!
Come here my little cuntchkin,
Yes that's you, you're a survivor!
All is right in the world.
Yes it is.
So what are you gonna do next?
I'll figure it out. I always do.
Alright.
I'll probably see you around?
Probably not.
See you, bub.
Logan!
Al, I'm back.
About damn time, you holdin'?
I'm all out of devil's dandruff
and I'm shaking like an angry vibrator.
Thank you, Al.
We have company.
Althea, this is Logan.
Nice to meet you, Logan.
Nice to meet you too.
And this little ancient, anal shit-knot is Mary Puppins.
Or as I like to call her, Dogpool.
You wanna treat yourself to a little stroke?
Get the tongue.
Oh my God, motherfucker!
Right... it's like an armadillo fucked a gremlin,
angrily, in a bed of gonorrhea, and didn't stop till the sun came up.
Everyone wants to matter.
Turns out that you don't need to be Marvel Jesus to do it.
You just need to open your eyes and look around.
And if you're lucky, you'll find a few friends.
Old friends and some new ones too.
Give me the fucking dog, talk to the girl.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
You've been busy.
I did it for you.
If you don't want me, I did it for you.
Turns out... I am the world's saving type.
Just look around this table if you want proof.
The best part?
Sometimes the people we save...
...well, they save us right back.
You are not the only one with gifts.
What is this place?
Nice suit!
Listen Stan Lee!
I really like the art
in the Deadpool comics.
You know, I just always
felt kind of a kinship to him.
I like to play that guy someday.
I was there for three weeks
before I shot a single thing.
For that first day of
shooting, I was so nervous, man.
Everyone was sort of
going, "Who's this guy?"
You know, there was a lot of that.
You know, he was going to deliver
and you can feel all
that kind of pressure.
Always the suit's fault.
Never the actor.
- This is... - ...the only way.
Oh, this is what it feels like.
And there's the lights.
Medical research.
Bye, video.
Bye.
I'm tired of these absolutely vile rumors
that I got Johnny killed.
Let's look at the tape.
In the void, you're either food for Alioth
or you work for her.
Go on, Johnny.
And I'll tell you who her is.
Cassandra Nova, a
megalomaniacal psychotic asshole.
A finger-licking dead-inside pixie slab
at third rate dime store nut-milk.
- And I'll tell you what she can do. - I'm listening.
She can lick my goddamn cinnamon ring clean
and kick rocks all the way to bald hell.
In fact, I don't give a shit if she removes all my skin
and pops me like some nightmarish blood balloon.
If the last thing I do with this, God forsaken,
cum-gutter existence, is light that fuck box on
fire I still won't die happy.
Holy shit, girl, you crazy!
That's right, Wade.
I won't be happy until I've urinated on a freshly barbecued corpse
and husk-fuck that charred remains while gargling Juggernauts jugger-nuts.
Wow.
And you can quote me.
Okay.
Gotcha, fuck face.